very much alive

I felt very alive this morning... the cold, the rain on my face... a bit like bleeding. but not as painful.

It's amazing how weather changes the mood of people...
dancing leaves and wind, the colours of autumn can make me feel like a little child, happiness floating like a warm pink cloud inside my body... filling every cell with joy, making me want to sing and dance and smile all the time... but I don't feel alive then, it's more like a trip... my mind is clouded and I don't know the reason for the happiness... I'm floating on that cloud and don't feel where my body ends and the rest of the world begins... a bit scary, really.
Snowflakes do a similar thing to me...

But rain... that's the time when I can see clearly, when I know where I stand and my mind isn't playing tricks and pretending to be on a trip... I've never had any drugs by the way... I like to bee in control.

so. that much for now... maybe there will be more this evening.